Legacy

My mother died more than 5 years ago. I am her legacy. Her sister, my aunt, died earlier this year. My cousins and a scraggly little dog that humps everything are her legacy. I have no siblings, no progeny, and will likely outlive my psychotic canine companion, so what legacy do I contribute to the world that will persist after I go on to my next gig? As I age, this becomes a question that is like a dripping faucet in the middle of the night. Plink. Plink. Plink.

In my younger years, I am sure I wanted to be remembered for something magnanimous. Something grandiose that would be spoken of for years. For a time, that was just about notoriety – or at least infamy. Now, though, it’s more about some contribution that mattered in a positive sense. Still grandiose, but with the swirl of altruism.

In all honesty, if I was snatched from this plane of existence tomorrow, I would hope that nobody who has come to know me would not remember me in a few weeks of my transience. I would hope that reactions to my absence would be varied, from “What an asshole!” to “Weirdo.” or at least “She tried.” Any of those epithets would mean that I was not invisible, that I touched some people, perhaps even made a mark (hopefully not physical, but you get the point). Perhaps that is as good as it gets for most of us living under the highest points of the bell curve. Maybe the whole goal of my life’s work was to be unexceptional, to be part of the bigger parts of the whole. Maybe, but not if my ego has anything to say about it. That’s another story for another time, however.

Regardless of all that seemingly morose thought process, I am glad to have something that I wanted to say. For the past year and a few months I have been working at a job I enjoyed, but which truthfully returned me to some unbalanced state of being. As has been my pattern, all of my energy was devoted to people who really gave less than two shits or a damn about me as an individual. Polite, yes. Responsive, yes. In relationship? No. When my value to them ceased to outweigh their financial expenditure, there was no longer any reason for me to be there. It was a breakup like any other with a narcissitic and self-absorbed lover, leaving me with a bad taste in my mouth and little to show for my investment of time. Some things never change.

I am looking for another job, merely to acquiesce to financial realities, but I would much rather make a full-time commitment to self reflection and social justice work if it would pay the rent and the pet food bill. We’ll see. I am trying to be open to whatever comes, although I am not willing to go into anybody’s office environment. Working from home is far more productive for me at this point, not to mention healthier. I have recently heard of a few people who have contracted COVID for the first time, and I am not willing to run that risk. My risk is high enough with just going out into public for groceries and drug store visits, let alone sitting in a cube farm with people who come to work carrying germs from their exponentially multiplied contacts.

To make sure I am exhausting all options, I finally sent a certified letter to the non-paying tenant in the house my mother left to me. All I told her was that I am ready to sell the house and will give her as much notice as possible. At one time, her father was interested in buying it so maybe they will consider that. Her family lives across the street, and they own the house next door as well, so we’ll see. At least I put it out there, and that’s all I can do.

Life goes on, at an alarming pace on some days. Since Wenesday, I have been a virtual attendee at the annual assembly for Unitarian Universalists. It’s still my chosen faith, even though my local congregation leaves much to be desired. I have been a voting delegate for the conference for many years, and this year there was really pithy stuff to be considered. It was surprising how much people bared their fangs when they did not get what they wanted, or felt they could not convince others to agree with them about issues. I often forget that people are people, all of us bringing our baggage with us wherever we go. Some of us have done work on lightening those loads, or at least understanding what’s packed, but others of us not so much. It never ceases to amaze me what people will resort to in order to get their way, the manipulation, intimidation, scare tactics, and the ever popular taking their ball and going home. Community – what a wonderful choice.