They said I had no rhythm, and I couldn’t dance. So I don’t. It’s probably true that I will never be a drummer or dance like Charo or Rita Moreno, but I can, and do, play the djembe. I have danced. In my estimation, I have never handled my body well, perhaps because I never understood that it’s mine. Or maybe I just don’t have rhythm and can’t dance.
I don’t know where the line is between what I was told I couldn’t do, and what I truly do not have the skill to do. I don’t believe I’m a natural athlete, either, but every once in a while I could make a great catch, kick a ball, or score a basket. When that happened, I enjoyed using my body, enjoyed the sweat, was momentarily gratified by the immediate success. Or was it the accolades of others? Was it the atta girl and good job and adulation? It’s very much like working toward any goal on a team. You do what you’re told to do, follow the play book, and if you make the best out of your training and use your innate skills properly, you will succees, your team will succeed, and you will be rewarded in some fashion.
It seems that I have always been competitive, but feel that I lack the skill to win. That’s always been the problem. When I played soccer in college, it was mostly an excuse to chase girls. I wanted to win, but I mostly wanted the acceptance and approval of my team mates. When the opposition came at me, I folded like a house of cards. Playing amongst friends I could hold my own, but if you weren’t on my side I had nothing but wind. And it was not at my back.
It flusters me to know that I perform best when I feel someone has my back, that i have allies. Successful people can perform at high levels whether they are favored members of the group or not. Some perform better knowing they have no backing. That’s not how I’m wired, though, and I don’t believe it works to my advantage by any means. What the fucking fuck is that all about?
When I do whatever it is that I want to do, it’s rarely about using my skills to achieve a goal. It’s usually about acquiring something, like having my opinion heard and acted upon, or having my thoughts affirmed and validated, or purchasing something. It’s about having something or someone external give me what I want, usually in recompense for what I’ve paid. I suppose the question becomes whether I can ever get what I want of m own volition, independent of the solidarity of others, the approval or others, the price exacted by others.
I feel as though I have some part of my gut missing. And it’s definitely not any part of my lower GI system not working well, but its dysfunction lets me know it’s whole and complete. That is a blessing and a curse, I might add…but I digress.
The trouble may be in and around the solar plexus, in the 2nd and 3rd chakras, where emotions and self-will live. My emotions often seem to bleed over – literally and figuratively – into my center of self-will – often cancelling or mitigating my ability to say this is what i want to do, and I’m doing it. I feel as though I have a strong sense of desire, but effecting it seems to rely far too much on other people and external forces. I still don’t quite know how to navigate that.
Perhaps that is not a navigable medium. Perhaps it is more of an immediacy, where desire is its own vessel. Perhaps desire and self-will are synonymous, and both are weakened in my psyche. If that’s the case, I wonder if there are ways to strengthen those energetic components of my Self. When certain muscles in my body feel relatively weak, there are exercises that can strengthen them. Are there any resistance exercises that can strengthen the will, get the relevant chakra to re-activate?
It causes great sadness in me to contemplate whether I ever had the proper degree of self-will, with an activated 3rd chakra, or if it was squelched and shut down for protection. I do not feel that my heart center was weakened, but my solar plexus and throat chakras were definitely affected. I am trying hard to get my throat chakra open to a maximal degree. I’m somewhat successful with that, and still feel as though I’m at that awkward stage where I can speak but what comes out is often disconnected and tentative. I take that as a growing pain, but really wish it was over.
Is this all nonsense? Often it feels that way. Talking about unseen energy center up my spine and whether they are activated seems a bit nutty. I suppose this is recovery on another level, though, where faith in the unseen and unproven is essential to reclaiming a place in the world. That place, however, also requires faith to claim because it’s not one that can be dictated by the intellect. I may want to be a published author but I have no idea how that might look – self-published? One-shot deal with a small publisher like Hay House? Memoir? Personal essays? Those details have yet to be made clear, so…honesty, open-mindedness, willingness once again are the keys to unlock the doors.
To do any of that, however, I’m going to have to take a risk. Big risk. Jump off the cliff with no tether, jump out of the airplane with no parachute, jump off the side of the boat with no diving gear. Have faith. Trust. That’s what “they” say. What I say is that fear is real, and powerful, and has often paralyzed me. Maybe this dental surgery will unfreeze me, or maybe it will be a disaster that will put me to bed for the duration. Maybe it will be successful but I will still procrastinate about trying to be published for another 20 years. Maybe the state of maybe is far too comfortable for me.
For whatever reason there may be, I am feeling as though it’s now or never. Gotta stand up, stand up for my Self, stand up because I can stand (in the proverbial sense, not always the literal sense). Standing up is often the same as speaking out, which is the same as taking action. There are wrong things in my world – what can I do to change that? I am not at peace, in the collective or in my Self. How can I change that? In the past, I have thrived on constancy but I am beginning to see that as the enemy of progress. Life is an uphill climb and gravity is a real thing; if I’m standing in the same place I’m probably moving backward. Involuntarily, and often imperceptibly, I might add. Backward motion, like forward motion, has a cumulative effect though, so if neither is checked you find yourself a great distance from where you started after a time. I can’t say that all forward motion is good, but backward motion seems to be uniformly non-productive.
My spirit tellls me we’re all trying to get back home. We’re all in a diaspora of sorts, cut off from the light. Perhaps we should acknowledge the darkness, accept it as reality, and keep our eyes on the prize. We are all prodigals but the question remains – what have we learned? Have we been redeemed sufficiently to return home? That is the great question, the overarching mystery. Mysteries are places of maybe, and that’s uncomfortable. I have no power in the place of maybe, so I really don’t want to be there. But here I am. Maybe I’ll get used to it, maybe not. It is what it is.
The Sound Hole 