Reality, maybe

Walking the path implies walking.  Movement.  Not destination, but journey.  Who was I before they told me who I was?  I was curious, I was confident, I was safe.  Who am I now?  I am curious, I am more cautious, I am less safe. 

Caution is not entirely mine – it was given to me.  Does it serve me well?  It is useful up to a point, but the obsession with safety and prudence is not entirely my way.  Risk is inherent in growth, at least it has been for me.  Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose.  Sometimes you get ripped off, taken for a ride that goes nowhere.  Sometimes you would be wise to exhibit caution in walking through a bad neighborhood or investing in a startup business.  The world is a dangerous place these days. 

But sometimes, you hit it big, and score the jackpot.  My experience, however, is this too shall pass.  Victory nor defeat last forever.  It’s a wheel of fortune, not a box.  There is nothing in universal law that says good fortune nor bad is permanent, and taking note of gratitude proves that.  Some days the only thing for which I am grateful is that I am mostly vertical and above ground.  Other days, even that seems dubious and the bar is a lot lower, down to gratitude for the ability to spell the word gratitude. 

The old people always said, “Some days it just be like this.”  And some days, that is exactly what it is.  It is what it is has become the mantra of a generation, but it serves us well to accept what we cannot change.  A cheap version of the Serentiy Prayer if ever there was one.  Some days are harder than others, some days I feel more like a drunk than others, some days I feel more disabled than others, some days I feel more like someone with mental illness than others. 

Those are the days for which I may be most grateful, at least in retrospect, because those are the days I am most aware that I am alive.  Numbness is not the desired goal, because you can’t feel an injury in progress until it’s too late.  When I’m depressed and questioning why I’m here, I’m feeling something, feeling discontent, feeling pain on some level.  Otherwise, life is holding me hostage and I’m not living. 

Life is fickle, and variable, and unpredictable.  Certainty is a function of control, and control is essentially a delusion.  There is only control when the people, places, or things you seek to control cooperate.  When they don’t, you’re basically screwed if control is your only tool.  The universal law of success is really compromise – to get where I want to go, I have to give up something, have to yield somehow.  Most often, what I have to yield to is imperfection, either mine or that of others.  It’s hard for me to do that when I’m dealing with a narcissist or someone who refuses to play by the rules.  But it is what it is, and that’s really all it will ever be.  Anything less would be delusion and non-reality. 

I cannot change reality, but I can change how I deal with it.  Reality says there are walls, and no amount of wishing there are no walls will not change that.  If I drive my truck into a real wall, my vehicle (and possibly my body) will suffer real damage.  To avoid the damage, I have to find a different way to proceed, either drive around the wall or take another route entirely.  Either of the alternatives may be less convenient than going directly through the wall, but will incur less damage.  That seems very simple, but as humans, we contest that reality metaphorically on a daily basis.  Bless our hearts.