I had some bizarre words pop into my head earlier today: “You are doing things to me that you don’t do to anyone else.” Where in the world did THAT come from? I am not entirely sure who I was addressing that to, if anyone. Was I trying to lay that on a Creator’s desk? Or maybe it was a sticky note for Mother Earth. Maybe it was directed to myself, which is rather strange but very intriguing to unpack.

My mind is a dangerous neighborhood, and I shouldn’t go in there alone.

It is not difficult for me to feel victimized these days. I am suing an implant dentist who breached his contract with me. I had paid him $40k in advance for a detailed treatment plan that included implants, and his license was revoked less than two weeks later. When I spoke to the state dental board about this, they first explained there was nothing they could do since they had no further jurisdiction over him now that his license was revoked. They also said they had “been after him for 20 years.” There was no indication of pending action against him or even customer complaints on their website, so nobody knew he was a mostly incompetent and negligent provider. There are more than 20 former patients who are left in the cold, awaiting refunds of large sums of money like my own, and finding that we have no choice but to pursue legal action independently. Class action is not an option because we each had unique treatment plans that were breached in different ways. Some patients had implants that were incorrectly installed, some had prosthetic devices that failed, some (like me) paid money for work that was never done. There is something wrong with a system that intervenes only after grievous wrongdoing has occurred, but that’s another story.

This whole thing feels mostly like shit, and my first sentiment was to blame myself or having trusted this man. Once his license revocation had been announced publicly, with news coverage, I remained in the dark because I was not indulging in broadcast news; the presidential campaigns were going strong and the talking heads were in rare form. Watching the news or reading the newspaper was like salt on an open wound, and I chose to keep my blood pressure low. Surely this underscores what I knew all along, that I was a trusting idiot who hid under the covers instead of putting on the big girl panties and dealing with business like an adult.

Be all that as it may, I am not sure the dental nightmare is all that’s disturbing me at this point. My lower GI system has turned on me, and X-rays have confirmed what I have been told since I was about 8 years old, that I am full of shit. I am not drinking enough water, or moving enough. I had been told to increase my fiber intake a few months ago, and that’s where all the problems began. From what I understand, this is common amongst aging adults. Lovely. I have joined the ranks of people walking around in people suits that serve only to mask huge reserves of excrement.

Is this the beginning of the end for me? I do seriously wonder if that’s not what is happening at this point. Memory is sometimes an issue, and I am as unfit as I have ever been. The X-rays that showed I am holding on to far too much old shit also revealed that I have mild arthritis in my lower lumbar region. I’ve got to make a last stand, I think, seeing as I’ve only got about 20 years left on this earthly plane (by my calculations). I am officially tired of adulting. It has done me no good so far, and has proven only the human body has many design flaws that simply get worse over time. I’m going to need to speak with the management about that after this leg of the journey is behind me.

I am hovering between telling myself that everything is going to be OK, and seeing myself living in my truck under a bridge somewhere. I am literally all I’ve got, and that’s a little frightening. This is not how it was supposed to be, but then I have no idea how it was supposed to be. My non-recovered Christian mind says this is the payback for my sins, this is the inevitable result of my prodigal youth. Whatever it is, it’s happening now, live and up to the minute, not a dress rehearsal. The here and now is is a bit daunting.

There are many reasons for me to be grateful in the present moment. There are also many reasons for me to fear the present moment, and thereafter. The Presidential inauguration is days away, and my sense of dread grows. I have no confidence that a second administration of this President will be anything but an exercise in easy-bake inequity and intolerance. That will not be sustainable, of course, but much damage may be done while the new administration has control of policy and people’s lives. I’m still not watching broadcast news, but do find it somewhat amusing that Inauguration Day and Martin Luther King, Jr. Day are the same. Who says the Divine doesn’t have a sense of humor?