Fear,and its better friends

Fear, anxiety…lions and tigers and bears, oh my. Fear is sometimes the appropriate response to a stimulus, such as the stimulus of being approached by someone with a loaded gun pointed in your direction. Unfortunately, people who are wired as I am often do not progress beyond the fear response and become frozen. I’ve never felt as though I had good reflexes, probably because when the stimulus is offered my brain wants to begin analysis, and that is time consuming. Sometimes you don’t have time to consume your normal menu of thinking about the possibility of eventually thinking about the perfect response to a gun pointed at you. Some people are very quick off the block in situations like that, immediately cognizant of the danger and reacting in less than a heartbeat. That’s not exactly my modus operandi.

I just stumbled upon an “influencer” on YouTube, in the realm of those who make predictions about the future, whether that is tomorrow or next month or the next few years. Sometimes those folks are entertaining, and sometimes they may have an insight or perspective I had not thought of. This one was slightly different, however. She was talking about creativity on the level of creating reality. She grabbed my attention by saying that she understood why so many “psychics” have different, even conflicting, predictions for the future. According to her, the reason for that is free will, namely the collective populus. The psychic is getting insight based on a somewhat static environment in the moment. As the collective consciousness co-creates its own reality, things shift and change quickly, so the next seer gets a different picture. That caused me to raise an eyebrow, because I had not thought of that before. I just assumed some psychics were better than others, and the ones who had correct predictions were the better ones. Maybe not.

She talked quite a while about how to manifest your desires, which is not a new topic, but she did not take the usual path. Her focus was on eliminating fear as a barricade to manifestation. She very clearly said thoughts become things, and we can manifest quite the opposite of what we desire by allowing fear to direct our energetic force to exactly what we don’t want. That makes sense, and I’ve heard some echo of that from others previously.

Her big message had to do with personal empowerment, more from the standpoint of personal clarity and fearless emotions about what is desired. Affirmations, vision boards, etc. are not helpful according to her. Recognizing where doubt and fear exist when envisioning something that we desire is more what blocks us from manifestation of a desired product or outcome. Her formula includes finding the root cause of the fear or doubt, and then working to dispel and disempower that. I get a lot of resonance from that, and heaven knows 12-step recovery work is big on identifying and coping with fear. So, I am intrigued.

The weird thing about fear is that what is feared is not always real. If I am in fear about public speaking, of what exactly am I afraid? When I’ve had anxiety about speaking, it’s usually wrapped up in layers of no self-confidence, fearing that what I have to say is irrelevant or easily disproven, that I will have made erroneous citations or misquoted someone famous. After rattling thoughts such as those around my head for hours, if not days before a presentation, I would rather stay in bed.

When I dig a bit deeper into the fears, I have to ask myself what is the worst that might happen if some or all of those doubts were valid. If what I have to say is disproven or found to be false, that would be embarrassing. People in the audience might think I’m a fraud, or lack intelligence. Worse, they might project that I am simply adequately prepared and asleep at the wheel, either lazy or incompetent. I would be written off as someone not worthy of attention, and would get a proverbial black mark attached to my name, my reputation. Why even bother to try?

Looking at this worst case scenario causes me to realize the common element in what I fear is ego-based. What will people think of me? How will I be respected if all those things are true? How would I be able to maintain respect of others after such a poor performance? How would I be able to ferret out any self-respect, let alone confidence? Those are valid questions, but I must admit they are relevant only in terms of me and my ego. That’s not a horrible thing, but I must admit the truth of it. It would, perhaps, be more gracious if I were concerned with not imparting the information planned, and the impact that might have on those who planned to listen and/or learn. There;s a thought.

At any rate, I am a human animal who has an ego that is paired to sentience. My ego is there to protect me, but when it is larger than life, too large to allow farsight, it’s not a good thing. At times, it becomes absurd, blocking not only the light of perspective but the entire luminescence of my self-identity, my being. What others see when this is the case is a very large, very awkward, and very angry asshole plodding about in small spaces and making huge mountaintop out of molehills. This is not pleasant for me, nor those who find themselves in the red-hot aura of this volcano, and it doesn’t get me any closer to safety or success. Bleh.

I wish that I could maintain my sense of self and be fully present when I am feeling unsafe or threatened in situations that are, essentially, inconsequential. Things are slightly better in the past couple of years, whether due to aging or depression treatments. I’m not sure I care, but I don’t want to slide backward on that improvement. The alienation and isolation that result from these eruptions of misplaced anger do not benefit me, or anyone else. Sometimes, there is harm done, usually on my part. That’s not good.

In 12-step recovery, I learned a simple explanation for fear. It is the anxiety that I will not get something that I want, or lose something that I have. That’s works in limited context, but I am a very complicated being operating in a simple frame, and I usually need to dig deeper to understand the triggers and how to avoid them. Best defense is no be there, said Mr. Miyagi in “Karate Kid”. That seems to work consistently, although it often takes me a few minutes to realize that I need to defend rather than take hostages and vent my will upon everyone in eyeshot. Live and learn, grasshopper.