What is this, and why now?

OK,so we’re going to be “in charge” of Venezuela now. For a little while, they say. I wish we could be “in charge” of the United States for a little while, because it seems as though no Americans are in charge of it at this point. Highway to Hell is where this road goes. This is going to be an amazing and unbelievable year, I think…there will be secrets revealed, more information than we can wrap our heads around, changes that make us giddy, and everybody will not make this trip. If we’re luck, this won’t look like the end of a Shakespearean tragedy, with bodies strewn across the stage and blood everywhere.

In the midst of all this whatever it is, I am having my own personal moment of confusion and apoplexy. I had a love once, and it ended badly. Times at least 3 or 4, but this is a fairly recent one. My anger protected me for quite a while, but I’m swearing off rageful scenes and trending more toward peaceful mindfulness. That’s just great, until there is unbidden bleed through from the past. Out damned spot!

This reprise of strong feelings for someone who is not good for me started coming up around the holidays, and that timing sucked. I see this living spectre frequently, and usually without note. But one night, I saw them, and a feeling that I did not want crashed into me and I remain stunned, stupefied, and amazed. I found myself with an unwanted realization that i still love them, will always love them, and have loved them in another time and place. Hm.

I don’t want to restart the abortive and dysfunctional interaction we had previously. They are with someone else now, and they deserve each other. In no way do I want that with this person, and in many ways never did. It was more than a sexual thing…at least for me. It’s still wholly sexual, but it is about passion and an unfettered heart. I think I was more comfortable when I hated them.

What is this, and why is it happening now? It is beginning to scare me just a bit, because I do not want to be robbed of the few moments of peace and serenity that I have been experiencing over the past few months. In a lot of ways, I want these feelings to be gone, but in other ways they cause me to feel slightly more alive. That seems grossly unhealthy.

I have been feeling unfulfilled for the past couple of years…retirement, big deal. Having no money is merely an annoyance, but I’ve been there before. Isolating in my third floor apartment is safer than navigating out amongst the lunatic fringe, but gets somewhat boring. I have sworn off the purely social scene for quite a while now, and really don’t want that. The last thing I need is to get involved with someone sicker than me just because they give me some kind of twisted attention. I’ve gone through that for decades, and I am literally too old for it now. Don’t want it, don’t need it, not asking for it.

There’s a weird kind of longing that’s making its presence know in my heart, and I don’t like it. This person treated me unkindly, and the situation ended badly because they have very little fortitude, When things get tough, they’re under the table. I definitely refuse to have anyone in my corner who vanishes at the hint of conflict or difficulty. I also don’t want someone in my corner who is high maintenance, rather stuck in their own aura, and wants what they want by any means necessary until they get caught in their own web of deceit and cowardice. I just don’t understand why I’m having any feelings pop up about them at this point in time. Our last interaction was several years ago, and I’ve kept them at several arms’ lengths since then.

This is all getting very confusing, and beginning to be annoying. A couple of days ago, I happened upon them accidentally while looking for someone else. I bolted rather quickly, but after the fact had a wanting professing these feelings of love and whatever the fuck this is. I wanted to come very close, from behind, and whisper my realization that I will always love them. I’m not sure what that would get me. It’s probably just my overdramatic fantasy of some Hallmark movie moment where I’d play a tragic heroine of sorts with a bleeding heart of gold. Or pewter, Or something precious. Where in the world is all that coming from???

Maybe I’ll never understand myself, Maybe I’ll never have that fairy tale relationship where love transcends everything including warts and false teeth. Maybe I will indeed die alone in this apartment and the dog eats my nose. Maybe I’ve just never grown up and live in some kind of alternate reality of after-school specials and romance novels. Whatever it is, I wish it would go back where it came from and leave me in peace. There is no good ending for what I’m feeling, so let’s go to the last scene where I ride off into the sunset alone. Let’s just get it over with.

So, happy New Year to me. Proud to be curmudgeonly, proud to be a desperado, proud to be still standing after all these years. Not so proud to be still living in the same patterns I’ve always lived in. Not so proud to be still trying to figure myself out. Not so proud to still be moving around in such pain and confusion. I suppose I chose this on some level, but … what the fuck was I thinking? Maybe I wasn’t thinking at all, because I have had fun before and this is not it. Not by a long shot.