Becoming A Nobody?

I always thought I wa a nobody who was trying very hard to be somebody. Since I wasn’t quite sure who I was, becoming somebody was up for grabs, and I guess I saw it like a catalog, where I could just choose an icon and do what they did, say what they said, look how they looked. That didn’t work very well, however, since I didn’t have much chance of matching up to my selections – they were either too tall, too skinny, too skillful, too pretty, too smart. They were always something II was not, and things seemed more or less hopeless. I suppose it’s always hopeless trying to become someone that you are not.

So, after decades of trying to metamorphose into something other than Kafka’s cockroach, I resigned myself to being more or less a loser, a nobody. Oddly, for being a nobody, I managed to rack up a great deal of negative attention, and consequences that I did, and did not, deserve. At some point, I imagine that I gave up while still trying, if that makes any sense.

Imagine my surprise while attending a Zen Buddhist retreat last weekend, and heard a dharma talk about the freedom of becoming nobody. Shedding the control of the ego, moving past individuality, defined by something other than how life affects the self. This grabbed my attention and wouldn’t let go. I am still deeply intrigued by this concept, particularly as it relates to freedom. Freedom’s just another word for nothing left to lose, right? Release me of the bondage of self, as we pray in 12-step recovery. Remove my attachments to material things and suffer no more. Close, but no cigar. Suffering is inherent in the human condition, it seems, but how we handle that may vary.

At this moment, my teeth are hurting, and there is a bit of suffering involved…but the pain isn’t bad enough to debilitate me. If it ramps up significantly, I wonder how I will react. Will I seek a solution in pharmaceuticals, or will I be able to meditate and white-knuckle it? Are there actually situations that impact our physical, mental, or spiritual selves that we cannot mitigate or control? I suppose I have always thought so, and believed that was suffering…but I’m not sure any longer.

At any rate, what happens if a human is devoid of ego? From everything I’ve heard, it’s not possible, but again, what do I know. To be devoid of the sharp points of individuality, and entitlement, feels more feasible…I spend so much of my time asserting my “identity” that I now wonder if that’s an impediment to spiritual growth and development. Perhaps it can be both-and rather than either-or. Maybe I can maintain the awareness of my identity, my lineage, my unique characteristics, my experiences and have that simply define me in some non-assertive fashion? But, that doesn’t feel quite right.

I suppose, for now, there is plenty of room for ego mitigation, space for not feeling compelled to remind people they haven’t specifically included my identity groups in our common business. That doesn’t feel quite right, either. Perhaps asserting inclusivity and promoting awareness of the under-represented isn’t the enemy of moving farther into self-enlightenment. For so long, “I am somebody” was drilled into us kids, and that was not negotiable. Perhaps it is a matter of degree, balancing awareness and speaking truth to power without selfishness and self-absorption. That feels more reasonable, even if mere words do not do it justice. It’s a fond aspiration, so I guess we’ll just see how it goes.

The retreat also connected me with someone who told my story in so many ways, another participant, about my age, who described feeling that she was incapable of love, didn’t really understand what that meant. Like her, I’ve always felt as though I didn’t get it, and really can’t understand when people claim they love me. *Ding* Then she spoke about having some of that fog clear when, like me, she began esketamine treatment. *Ding, ding* And then she said, “I’m trying. After all this time, I’m trying.” *DINGDINGDINGDINGDING!” Resilience is not overrated, by any means.

Despite the food offerings consisting of vegan-only items, I survived and felt greatly cared for when it was all said and done. There was no tofu, at least I don’t believe so, and the group was amiable and felt very safe. I found myself fighting my compulsive need to be responsible, to take charge of logistical things, be on-call for duties that were not mine to oversee. That was interesting for me, because so much of my identity has been tied up with being responsible, being the hero, saving the day. In all honesty, sometimes I screwed up the day, sometimes I failed in my endeavors, sometimes I refused to be responsible on various levels. We humans are odd little beings, arrogant in our puny-ness and know-it-alls in the realm of useless information, Bless our little hearts, mine included.

I feel the need to hold on to the ah-ha moments of this past weekend, to look toward new ways of walking through all of the brambles and thickets surrounding me. Money is an issue right now. My teeth are an issue right now. Not being able to shut my brain down when needed is an issue right now. Well, that last one has always been an issue, but whatever. Maybe, though, I can use some of these realizations to frame things in a different way, to walk a bit more peacefully and without keeping score of every interaction, every effort. There isn’t time for that, and who am I to assign a quantitative value to anything?

For the moment, I am OK, I have a heartbeat and I am above ground, not horizontal below it. Today is winding down, and if I play my cards right, there will be another one starting in a few hours. There are no bombs dropping within earshot, or gunfire too close for comfort. I have enough to eat, I have water to drink. For all that – as well as for the bloody internet – I am grateful. The rest is what it is, and for me, that’s mostly lagniappe.