Category Archives: online journal

i wanna go home, but there’s nobody there. things that meant so much are gone. apparently, they were not mine to keep. all of the material possessions that we treasure and safeguard often mean nothing to anyone else, and it is a challenge to our insatiable hunger for control. my mother kept momentos, family treasuresContinue reading “What now?”

Sometimes I get confused. Sometimes I don’t know why I’m here or what I am supposed to be doing. Sometimes the simplest of things, stuff I have done for years, boggles my mind and seems new and daunting. It does not feel good, and when I say that I am often accused of self pity,Continue reading “Painful Confusion”

My mother died more than 5 years ago. I am her legacy. Her sister, my aunt, died earlier this year. My cousins and a scraggly little dog that humps everything are her legacy. I have no siblings, no progeny, and will likely outlive my psychotic canine companion, so what legacy do I contribute to theContinue reading “Legacy”

People been tellin’ me all my life it can’t be that bad. Well sometimes it is. They tellin’ me to just smile because it takes more muscles in your face to frown. My mouth just don’t naturally turn that way. They be tellin’ me I have to love myself before anybody else will love me,Continue reading “Wandering”

Notorious B.I.G. – Biggie Smalls. Christopher Wallace was his name. He said incredible things, things one might not expect from such a man. “Even when I was wrong, I got my point across.” “Never get high on your own supply.” Make a difference, is what I hear. Don’t waste profit on your own pleasure. BiggieContinue reading “Notorious”

So. I am still dancing alone in my head about dental care and this coming change in … circumstance. When I saw the dentist, they had a somewhat canned speech about whether I was at the end of the journey with my teeth. I wanted to chuckle, because it was never a journey, it wasContinue reading “Long, long time ago”

As if I don’t have enough of my life changing and contorting into something of which I have no concept, now I have to deal with my teeth. My teeth have always been bad. Since childhood. They were bad partly because I didn’t take care of them properly, partly because it is part of myContinue reading “How important is why?”

This morning, there was fog. 72F and fog. Seems fitting – I have been in fog for a couple of years now. Clouds at my knees, it would seem. Things not appearing quite real, hazy, not allowing my eyes to discern their dimensions, or stability. Dare I lean against this structure, can it support meContinue reading “Fog”

I forgot two meetings this evening. They were on my calendar. They were on my mind this morning. And somehow…I sat there and had not a thought about them past noon. They were important to me. I fucked up. I’m tired of fucking up, tired of not being able to remember things that are important.Continue reading “Choice”

How much longer, how much more, how much farther,? Carry me home, carry me home no matter how long it takes, no matter how big I am, no matter how long the journey. Did you forget me, did you neglect me, the debt has yet to be paid. I still cry, I still need, IContinue reading “How?”