Back to life…

OK, back to me. I’ve been through reflection on what’s missing in my life, and settled on a primary missing component that I name as sense of well-being, sense of confidence, lack of feeling that I’m OK. All of that, wadded up and thrown at the wall, is fear and reluctance to be vulnerable, to take a risk, to put myself out there so to speak. OK, that’s just dandy. Now what? Next questions, then, are why is that missing, and what might I do to fix that? This might take more coffee.

So, why do I lack the confidence, why don’t I believe in myself, whay don’t I have any self-assurance concerning my skills, potential, abilities? I have probably run the attachment disorder train into a ditch at this point, and probably need to devote a whole series of examinations to that alone. I think it’s way more complex than just explaining not having any self-confidence. On the level of the here and now, however, I have to wonder what’s up with such incredible anxiety concerning being out in front, taking the lead, being in the spotlight. I enjoy being the center of attention sometimes, but exhaust myself second-guessing myself about my skills, my talent, my ability to succeed. Some of that is negative self-talk…you always screw up; you know you don’t know what you’re doing; you just think you can do this well, but if bumped against others doing the same thing, your effort would be mediocre at best, and you would be laughed off the stage (literally and proverbially); you know the likes of you can’t do anything like this. And it goes on and on and on, until sometimes it is simply easier to abandon the effort in its entirety. Don’t even try, don’t put it out there, don’t produce a finished product. Just admit that you are pretty much a failure, and so don’t even try. Be realistic; you’re just not talented.

So, this second-guessing exercise, no matter how many times I go through it, is exhausting. Debilitating, even. The ensuing depression and feeling of utter defeat causes me to lose focus, and to derail any creative or innovative thought I may have even dreamed of having. Not just some people, but every person, is more talented and skilled than me. Why do I think I can success at the top of an effort, in anything. Remember? I am dangerously mediocre. Dangerously. Laughably, even. I battle this not-so-subtle foe all the time, and my resistance consists of RiceKrispies treats, pizza, coffee, and video games. And this writing stuff. That’s my arsenal. I suppose on some days I’m out of ammunition, too…those are the really dark days, when not only do I feel incompetent at everything, including breathing, but I don’t even have the energy to get off another round.

There is a part of me that says I need to check my humility, and my ego. OK, that’s my recovery side, and that’s fine…what I’ve learned there teaches me that humility means that I’m no better or worse than anyone else, and that we all have different skills and make different contributions, but such gifts are all valid. If I think I’m the best or the wosrt of everyone, my ego is a bit unbalanced and I am probably looking for attention and not entirely spiritually on the mark. So. Yeah. Now what exactly is that supposed to do for food portion size and motivation to take risks, put myself out there, have confidence in my ability to realistically assess reality? There’s some point at which I have to be able to follow-through on dreams, on desires. If I want a job with a comfortable salary but am too petrified to apply for anything, that doesn’t do me a lot of good.

Sometimes I just get incredibly tired of fooling with myself, and this is getting close to being one of those times. I have always wondered if everyone goes through such endless self-reflection, second-guessing, questioning of one’s being. I suppose that really doesn’t even matter…it is my reality. I figure I’m not alone in that, but not looking to get together with all of us who have similar modalities…I doubt we’d get much done, probably couldn’t even decide what to do or how to do it. I can imagine we’d probably die of natural causes brought about by inaction and failure to make a decision on things like food, water, shelter. Thank goodness there are people who love us in spite of ourselves.

enlightenment takes on many forms…don’t be judgin’.

Published by annzimmerman

I am Louisiana born and bred, now living in Winston Salem, North Carolina. Fortunately for me, I was already living in NC before Hurricane Katrina decimated my beloved New Orleans. An only child, I now feel that I have no personal history since the hurricane destroyed the relics and artifacts of my childhood. As I have always heard, c'est la vie. My Louisiana roots show in my love of good coffee, good food, and good music. My soggy native soil has also shown me that resilience is hard-wired in my consciousness; when the chips are down (or drowned)...bring it on.

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