I’m sitting here, writing because…I don’t quite know what else to do. Things are still not quite OK in my world. I’m still not feeling settled, comfortable, safe. I’m telling myself that everything will be fine, but it feels as though I’m whistling in the dark while going past the graveyard, wondering if there ghosts are just scary stories or if those are really footsteps you hear.
I am hearing what sounds like footsteps, but my brain wants to tell me there’s a rational explanation. It’s been a while since I’ve believed there’s a rational explanation for everything, so I don’t know if I should listen to my brain right now. I am trying to sit in this feeling, and I don’t like it at all. Not one bit.
The feeling is unwelcome. It’s fear, the kind of raw fear that makes you swallow deeply when there’s nothing in your mouth, makes your hands sweat and your heart feel as though it’s going to pound a hole in your chest. That’s fear they talk about when explaining fight or flight i the DSM, the fear that makes people desperate. Desperate people do desperate things. I will not do a desperate thing.
I am sure there’s a Burger King uniform big enough to fit me, so all is not lost. If not the King, Mickey D’s will take me. Or Starbucks. But I would get fired from Starbucks the first day for telling off some snarky caffeine junkie when they want their 3-year old to order an espresso-based drink for them. So, no Starbucks.
In all honesty, i should be able to figure out something a little better than Burger King, but it’s feeling just that scary right now. We’ll see. I got a response to my second inquiry to the UUA about this job, and the same nice lady said they’d contact me if I was granted an interview. It’s been well over a month since they posted that position – April 9th to be exact. I have to figure that if they have not contacted me yet for an interview, they are not going to. She assured me they have my credentials in hand, so they were obviously not impressed enough to reach out, so…that’s that. Very disappointed.
The UUA job is the kind of job I am looking for, not one where I have to write blog posts and articles for people to sell them something or make them want to buy something from a website. That seems more or less meaningless to me, way more than less. I’m not knocking that, and if somebody offered me a sure thing in that arena right now, i would be more than happy to take it. I just really don’t know if I would be all that good at something like that, and not for a long term. But, I could be wrong.
My spirit wants me to believe that whatever’s for me is for me, and that I should not abandon ship just yet. Yeah, well, a little bit of encouragement from the Universe would be nice, just a little. I am torn between putting all of my energy in scouring online job postings or submitting some of my drivel for publication. The publication avenue will, more than likely, not pay but at least it would be a resume’ bullet point.
I have avoided television this afternoon, but did manage to take a nap. That was a good thing, and I believe it helped a little. I wasn’t even realizing how little sleep I got last night, probably about 3 hours total. That’s really not quite enough for me to be less than dangerous out in public, and I had to go to the chiropractor today. Fortunately, that was noneventful and I came right back to the apartment. It was raining anyway, so I really didn’t need to be out and about on the roads with people trying out their bad brakes and bald tires.
The volcano in Iceland is still reflecting my mood quite nicely. The lava river has a very healthy flow, and the lava fountains are burgeoning as high as 500m. A portion of one of the rocky walls in the cone collapsed, and that was pretty incredible. One layer of it literally slid off, because it was melting from the nearly six weeks of incredible heat and continuous bathing in lava.
It is so hard to imagine anything that hot, anything hot enough to melt rocks all day long. That sight fills me with awe, and wonder, and I cannot imagine being there to feel the heat that must radiate out for an incredible distance. I wonder if this is what life is like on Venus, or Mercury. I can only imagine there could be some kind of life there, some kind of life for which we have no frame of reference. Who says the rules of life are only the ones we know? We’re living in the princess zone, I suppose. I don’t think every life form does.
Anyway, I am dodging people today. Just not feeling up to talk with anyone, not feeling that I want to talk about any of what is happening in my brain, in my world. It will be different tomorrow. I have at least a couple of calls to return, and maybe should go to a 12-step meeting on Zoom. I didn’t go to the 10pm meeting last night, and not sure if I want to go tonight, either. We’ll see.
Life. What a beautiful choice. I’ve decided that hedonists truly distress me, believing that life is only here to produce enjoyment and fun. I just can’t buy that. That’s as unbalanced as pursuing a life of intentional deprivation for some kind of spiritual purification. Balance, grasshopper. We must have balance. That is our work. Excess is easy, but balance takes more effort. Seriously. Wear life like a loose garment, I have been told. Well, right now it’s a little tight around the middle, so I’m guessing I’ve gained a little unnecessary weight. Either that, or I’m holding my breath for too long.
The Sound Hole 