Some days

Some days, it is harder than others to be me. Today, it’s more challenging than others, but I suppose there is still room for gratitude. There is also room for frustration, anger, and general pissiness. I am frustrated, angry, and more than generally pissy.

I have the flu. or some kind of respiratory unpleasantness. Since Saturday night, I have been curled up in bed, no dreams of anything like sugar plums anywhere near but a chest full of phlegm, a cough, and no appreciable energy. There is still a dog to take outside for her constituionals, and until today she was the only one who saw beyond the front door. I was running a fever at least through Monday morning, with chills and extra blankets. The heat was turned up so high I believe the walls were sweating.

Once the fever broke, mental acuity was slightly better, although in these days that is not always a blessing. I laid around yesterday like a wet dishrag, with no appetite or motivation, but the chest congestion eased a bit after I coughed up the contents of both lungs and my entire bronchia. Today, I had enough strength to drive up to the pharmacy and procure more cough suppressant and some DayQuil, plus kettle corn and Gatorade. It made the dog happy, although I forgot to stop at the pet store for more dog food. That’ another story, and will constitute tomorrow’s agenda.

This past Sunday, amidst the coughing spells, I celebrated my 37th sobriety anniversary. I felt good about that, and still consider sobriety my grandest accomplishment. I do not claim consistent emotional sobriety by any means because I am still overwhelmingly human, but I am far more responsible with tongue and pen than I was before I began this journey. Moreover, I can honestly attest to not consuming alcohol since December 7th, 1988, and that’s the truth. It’s been a long, strange trip and those words do not come close to adequate expression of the past 37 years.

When I returned from my foray into the great outdoors earlier, I noticed an email from my legal counsel’s paralegal regarding my lawsuit against the square-headed dog-faced turd of a delicensed dentist who took more than $40k from me to add dental implants for me. He knew his license was on the verge of revocation when his business manager/wife accepted payment from me, and never bothered to send notice of that or that his office had closed. The State Attorney General said there’s nothing they can do since the business is defunct, and I had to find an attorney to sue him. I did that, he never responded, and a default judgment was rendered. All of that, plus about $8 for a latte’ at Starbucks, means that now I have to find a collections attorney to get any money from the nice gentleman.

Although I knew the judgment was not equivalent to money in my bank account, I knew it was part of the process. For some reason, though, the email this afternoon from the paralegal left me strangely deflated and dejected. Perhaps it is the holidaze of December, perhaps it is the flu, perhaps it is something in the air, but I felt as though I had been punched in the gut. The paralegal’s email thanked me for my trust in the firm, and that my case with them was closed.

This former dentist is not getting away with money that was left to me by my departed mother. She worked hard for that, and I am now on a fixed income and can’t afford to have the dental work completed on my own. Will this never end? There is no mechanism anywhere that I can find that will assist me with this, without costing me even more in legal fees. I feel entirely victimized, and without any path to remediation. One side of my brain says it’s only money, while the other side of my brain says it’s only money but this bastard needs to pay.

Perhaps the larger issue is how and why I trusted this asshole. I feel like the biggest fool ever. I have met other former patients of his, so I know I am not the only person who was taken in by him, but I cannot stop trusting people. I did it again only recently with an supposed job opportunity that descended into scam territory very quickly; instead of payment they demanded my investment in bitcoin. My investment was allegedly reimbursed, with commission, but that was paid in bitcoin. Bitcoin never matches with U.S. dollars exactly, and the process to convert bitcoin to U.S. dollars was difficult and problematic. The only U.S. currency involved went one way – from me to them. Fortunately, I got out of it quickly, but not before I had forked over more than $700. What an idiot I am. Will I never learn?

I suppose my gullibility is what has gotten me really despondent. I’m out here all by myself, with no safety net, and I keep making these mistakes. I have never felt there was room for much error in my walk through life, but now I’m right on the edge. What the fuck am I doing any of this for? I have no children, no siblings, no parents, no dependents except the dog. I will leave nothing behind, have nothing to really look forward. Just a fat old woman with treatment resistant depression, arthritic back, and bad knees. I have no significant talents but am dangerously mediocre at many things. All put together, those are incredibly sparse assets.

So what now? What’s my next trick? What elese can i fuck up and lose? There’s really nothing left to speak of. I still have a roof over my head for the moment, and a 20+ year old vehicle that still runs, but all of that feels incredibly tenuous. This is not how it is supposed to be. I was obviously born into the wrong place at the wrong time to the wrg people. I missed the last the last train to the coast, the last boat across the river. A day late, many dollars short. I am willing to accept responsibility, but am seriously feeling as though the punishment is a bit too harsh for the crime of stupidity.

I want out, so Tank, I need a door. I am running as fast as I can and the agents are catching up, replicating all along the way, and I’ve got nothing. I’ve got no Trinity, no loyal sidekick, no ace in the hole. My brain is failing me, my body is failing me, my faith is low. Loyalty has been my strong suit, and it has gotten me…here. With nothing. I have no desire to discuss love, or chosen family, or benevolence. I have no desire to cut my losses, because nothing from nothing still leaves nothing, and the world is moving on without me. I will not blast myself out of this reality because I cannot be assured there will be anything else. Suicide is painless, though it brings on many changes, it is said. I do not doubt that, but is there anything better, is there anything at all? Since I don’t know the answer to that question, I will ride this out and hope the pain ends at some point.

This is a fucked up time and place, this planet, this country, this life. Somewhere in my soul I suppose I believe this is all for a reason, but maybe it’s just absurdity. Maybe it’s simply a Divine amusement, a “let’s see what happens if you press this button” kind of moment. I know I am not the only one who has thoughts such as this, but some of my kindred are compelled to force the issue. They are compelled to rub shoulders with the Divine and try feebly to attempt control of this reality. It is laughable, because their arms are truly too short to box with any divinity, but also because they keep doing the same thing and expect different results eon after eon, century after century, lifetime after lifetime. Go ahead, let this year’s Emperor attempt to cover his ass with the bodies of the millions of unfortunates who are fodder for his ordinance. His fiddle is a golf club, and he has to cheat at the game because he possesses the skill of a gnat. And the madding crowd applauds wildly, refusing to see their hand in the pending doom.

I’m waiting this out. I’m hoping it’s over soon, hoping it’s a painless end. I’m hoping the end is the end, and not the beginning of some new, fresh hell that I have only dreamed of. My greatest wish is that leave behind no lasting damage for anyone who remains. If there is any memory of my pathetic existence, let it be short lived. If there is nothing else the Divine will do for me, let it be that. That would be merciful.