Wondering

I actually wrote this a few months ago, when I was buried in the angst-laden detritus of this real time whatever the fuck this is. Life? Time? Reality? It is what it is, and most of it is persistent so I’ll bring it up from the nether region and let it fly.

Things seem very twisted right now, in all the places and all the ways. I do not recognize my own country, and wonder what it will look like in five years, or even in five days. Nothing appears solid, reality seems fluid. I am feeling like I’m circling the drain once again, and this is not a comforting thought.

I wonder whether I’ll be so destitute this time net year that I will need to become unhoused. Will there be a social safety net available to me in the next year or two, or should I scrape up what few resources I have and blow it all on one last gasp of enthusiastic curiosity? Can I define myself as a writer and a musician without the brilliance of talent? Is my life working, or am I simply existing again? So many false starts, so many misconceptions, misunderstandings, misgivings. Perhaps that is what the life experience is all about – buzzing about like a fly, searching and finding attractive targets to pause, only to repeat the process again and again.

So many questions, so much uncertainty, so few answers. I’m a Capricorn, and always want to know where I’m going before I get there, but that’s futile right now. Is that an unreasonable demand, or am I supposed to just wander until I land on some place I’m supposed to be? If so, how will I know I’m in the right place? I understand that all who wander are not lost, but right now, I am feeling decidedly lost.

If I am lost, what does being found look like? Is that a viable goal? If I am found, what does that mean? I suppose it would mean that I know more about who I am and why I am here, but that seems to be a lifetime’s work. What am I doing, what am I supposed to be doing, where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket? Life on life’s terms seems daunting right now, but perhaps that is exactly how it needs to be right now. I am exercising the atrophied muscle of self will, and it’s a painful effort. I have given up the notion that all is not lost, but where do I go from there?

Random and disconnected thoughts are the entree’ du jour, it seems. I could not sleep last night. After a couple of what amounted to 2-hour naps, I gave up and started roaming around on the interwebs. That successfully reset my brain in some way, blocking out disturbing intrusive thoughts and images. In some ways I believe I am without defense against that sort of thing, but the Spravato has been helping to keep it somewhat at bay.

I wonder where my mother is, where my grandmothers are. I wonder where I begin and end, and how do I tell the difference. I get the impression that I am so non-linear as to be nearly amorphous at times, but not without a degree of rigidity. Perhaps rigidity is what depression is really about, forming deep grooves that are still curves but entrenched nonetheless. I wonder if curvature is equivalent to formlessness and it’s up to me to develop shape and form.

I wonder if I’m too sensitive, too easily put off by mean people, people who don’t see me for who I am. Do I see me for who I am? I’m not sure. It seems like a lot of my times has been spent seeing myself as I want to be rather than who I am. That’s not a good place to be, at least not from my experience. It is what it is, but what it is doesn’t always suit me. I still don’t comprehend why bad things happen to good people, and why some of us make it and some of us don’t.

Is all of this just a crap shoot, left to chance and random probability? It feels like that at times, but that could be just a way to cope with not knowing why I am here.